marriage

Guess Who Got Engaged? (Engagement)

Posted on by Tim Kuefler

Once upon a time, I took a beautiful and interesting woman out on a first date. Very close to the time that Donald Trump got elected president of the United States of America. I’ll never forget that night, not because that major event happened, but because it was an incredible first date, and led me on a path that I was not expecting.

The path where I met my former girlfriend, current fiancée, and future wife. But while some of you might disagree with me on the timing of this current step, the engagement actually started at the beginning and not in the midst of our relationship.

One of the textbook definitions of engagement is an arrangement to meet or be present at a specified time and place. Mysticque and I agreed to meet each other for a first date, and we both showed up at the cafe. But more importantly we were both emotionally involved in the date.

I asked her questions, a lot of them, and she answered the questions to the best of her ability. We talked, a lot. For about two hours, before I decided to move the date to the next location. She reciprocated and followed me to the UofA campus, even though she was unsure of what to expect, and as she later told me, was nervous about walking in the dark with a stranger down a creepy path (actually a well lit path, but near a parking lot and steel sculpture garden, so I can see what she means).

Then we stopped at the Arts and Business Quad on top of the hill overlooking the manmade ponds and pathways. I had brought a bottle of Bodacious blended red wine, two glasses, and a blanket. It was intentional, I love romance, and I wanted to do something romantic. Mysticque reciprocated once more. We talked for another hour or so.

Then we got up, and I kissed her.

She wasn’t ready to go home just yet, so I took her for frozen yogurt at Menchies, and we played many rounds of Connect 4. She won a lot of them. But I reciprocated.

Then I walked her back to her car, and we kissed one more time. I later found out that she told many people about this wonderful date, and how I had managed to make her life feel like the movies. That was the point I knew I would probably fall in love with her and marry her. She constantly reminds me that I still make her feel this way every day. It’s a mutual reciprocation.

Engagement with anything comes down to showing up, being present and being who you are. Mysticque and I met way back in juniour high, and had the fortune to reconnect later in life when we were both ready to engage in a healthy relationship. Part of me wishes I had saved the story she wrote about our first date, but I do have a copy of what she wrote when I proposed to her, and she accepted. I think it demonstrates the importance of authentic, personal interactions when you make creative things. People appreciate creativity, but it’s not until you put yourself out there that you risk failure and eventually success.

Thursday (November 9th, 2017) marked a significant and special day in our lives. The evening started with Tim recreating of our first date filled with all the same locations, cheesy lines, and romance. During our date, Tim deviated and brought me down to the Old Arts building and showed me a canvas with a projected movie on it. This movie (lovingly made by Tim) captured whale love songs, 27 romantic love scenes, and brief explanation of Tim’s love. Moments thereafter he proposed to me and our close family & friends were there all along watching and capturing our special day! Later in the evening Tim surprised me for a second time with more family and friends waiting back at his house. It was truly the most amazing proposal. On the weekend Tim re-proposed to me with Miguel and made the experience even more special. Thank you to all our family and friends who helped Tim with his elaborate plans and being part of our lives. And thank you to my fiancee who has made my life better than the movies.

I wouldn’t have been able to create something like this on my own. It required effort, communication, and asking for support from others. I’ve always found that family and friends show up because you show up, people can sense when your heart isn’t into it. I hope one day that I can create something as beautiful as the love I have for Mysticque, and I cannot believe I was able to capture a significant moment in our he(art). What an engagement. And it was reciprocated.

theories Summarized

It might not always seem like your life is headed in a positive direction dear readers, but I shared this story not to brag about how lucky I’ve been, but to emphasize for you the importance of engagement. Love takes practice, failure, and a willingness to put yourself out there… just like making art. But at some point you are going to realize your purpose in life, and you’ll make something really special to reflect that.

And THAT is a theory I’ll take to the bank.

Tim!

Well, That Was Easy (A Return To timotheories Form)

Posted on by Tim Kuefler

If you can believe it, I have been quite busy these past few months, dear readers.

I’m sure you’ve noticed this fact, given that timotheories effectively shut down in the month of August and didn’t return back to form until December, a solid four months later. This is largely due to two key reasons –

  1. I bought a house in September
  2. and then I got engaged in November

On top of that, I spent the better part of August searching for the house I have now bought, and once more in October shopping for a ring and planning how to propose to Mysticque on the eve of our anniversary. And spoiler-alert, she said yes to me. Which was both exciting and terrifying for me.

You see friends, I’ve never done either of those two major life things before, but it was finally time for me to take the plunge and make a financial decision that would further my ambitions AND more importantly secure a future for my fiancee and I. But it feels terrifying because I’m making decisions that don’t just impact me anymore. They impact the woman I love, and her son, who will also become my child too. Also, I’m hardwired (just like you) to resist change because it could hurt me.

This is why I consciously decided to carve out those months to complete those major goals and then get back into the rhythm in time for Christmas.

Fear of failure is where the terror comes in. Obviously I don’t want to let them down, nor do I want to put them into a bad situation. But to do nothing is worse because I know what I am capable of, and failure is simply an opportunity to learn.

When we are children, we are given many chances to learn, and as we learn we improve. Riding a bicycle, using a lawnmower, and wiping with toilet bowl cleaner all come with some risk. But if someone who is trained to use those items instructs us properly on how to use those items ourselves, then we can better prepare ourselves to complete those tasks too.

I guess my point, creative cuties, is this – Life will continue to be as it always is, difficult and beautiful. Which shouldn’t stop anyone from pursuing their dreams. Dreams are what make life so interesting after all, they motivate our waking life, it’s that easy. And that’s my major theory for the week.

Tim!

 

The Art of Weddings (Weddings)

Posted on by Tim Kuefler

Yoo hoo. It’s been awhile since I just rapped with you boo. At least a week or two.

Wedding season is upon us.

This is the time of year when true love reigns, people are getting married all over town and breeding like rabbits. Hence, why there are so many damn March and April babies in the world. If you want some math, to prove it, take todays date and subtract three month (human gestation takes nine months), and bingo bango, you land on April.

In case you didn’t know, a wedding is millennia old ritual that consists of a ceremony where two people are are joined in matrimony. Sometimes it’s holy and sometimes its a civil union. Either way it’s legal and for real. What I mean by this is that while wedding traditions and customs are varied all over the world, each one is a commitment made between two people, officiated, and witnessed by at least one over person. When you get into questions of ethnicity, culture, religion and social standing, then the details of how it shakes out, when the ceremony happens, what precedes and follows, all change and make for a unique situation every time.

What never changes is that it is a special occasion between two people, and one which needs to be captured, as a moment in time. Usually vows and rings are exchanged, a dance is shared, and speeches are given. This is where the art often comes in.

Musicians and disc jockey build the ambience, poetry, prayers and speeches need to be written, photographers and videographers take images and video, some designers decorate the space, and others fashion outfits.

All of this just for one day. A seemingly recession-proof industry. Now, I’m not here to tell you whether you should believe in marriage, weddings or any of it, but I do think you should consider what your role as a creative professional is within the spectrum of wedding season, because I know a few people in the industry who absolutely do make money providing the services I listed above. This might be a small consideration, but this post just might give you some ideas of how you could get a piece of the pie yourself.

theories Summarized

This might seem like an obvious post to some, but I’m hoping for you creative cutie, that this was an opportunity to realize you can do it. No matter what you think, you deserve success, you’re willing to reach out and grab it. So grab it and make it happen dear readers. The season is upon us, celebrate good times. Come on!

Tim!

Tender and Resilient (Loving review)

Posted on by Tim Kuefler

 

Sometimes its the long and silent fights which are the most beautiful and real ones. Tales of genuine masculine tenderness and feminine resilience which best showcase what love and humanity should aspire to.

This is loving.

 

 

 

Loving (2016)

Cast: Joel Edgerton, Ruth Negga, Michael Shannon, Marton Csokas, Sharon Blackwood, Nick Kroll
Director: Jeff Nichols
released on blu-ray February 7, 2017
********* 9/10

loving_onesheet

IMDB: 7.1
Rotten Tomatoes: 89%, Audience Score 77%
The Guardian: ****/*****

 

Jeff Nichols is an American director and writer. He has a really clear sense of timing and genre. Having directed just five films in the past ten years, his track record is quite good and ranks him in with the best and brightest of his generation. Something that I particularly enjoy about his films is that he likes to use one of my favourite actors, Michael Shannon, in each film he directs.

Loving is Nichols most recent film, and it focuses on the relationship between an interracial couple, Richard and Mildred Loving, who struggle to fight against the state of Virginia in the validity of their marriage; this of course is a true-to-life story which happened in the 1950s when miscegenation was considered to be a taboo thing.

Richard Loving (Joel Edgerton) is a white man who works in construction in Caroline County, Virginia. He is in love with Mildred Jeter (Ruth Negga), a black woman with whom they share a mutual group of friends. When they learn Mildred is pregnant, the couple decide to marry, but go out of state to Washington, D.C. because of Viriginia’s anti-miscegenation laws. After the marriage Richard buys some land near Mildred’s family and promises to build a home.

When someone snitches on the Lovings, Sheriff Brooks (Marton Csokas) arrests them for breaking the law, they plead guilty, and are sentenced to one year in prison. However, the judge suspends this decision, on condition that they not return to Virginia together for at least 25 years. So the Lovings move to Washington until Mildred begs Richard to return to Caroline County, so that Richard’s mother (Sharon Blackwood) can deliver their first child. Arrested a second time, the lawyer is able to clear the charges one more time.

Mildred and Richard have two more children and stay in Washington for some time. Mildreds frustration with city life grows, and she writes to the attorney general for help, who directs them to the American Civil Liberties Union. Bernard S. Cohen (Nick Kroll) is assigned and believes they can take their case to the Supreme Court, and effectively remove anti-miscegenation laws nationwide. After an accident with one of the their kids, the Lovings move back home silently and live in a remote area of the state while the case moves along. Profiled by Life magazine at one point, photographer Grey Villet (Michael Shannon) captures them in an intimate moment. When the state of Virginia refuses to set aside the laws, Cohen appeals to the federal Supreme Court.

In an-ever-so subtle way, Mildred learns over the phone from Cohen that the Supreme Court unanimously has deemed that interracial marriage is legal in all states. The story closes with the Lovings at home and some titles which tell of how Richard died in a car accident in 1975, but that Mildred never remarried and lived in the house Richard built for her until her death in 2008.

Pros: This is very affecting story told delicately and choosing to intentionally focus on the relationship of the couple rather than the messy court battles. That is not to say that Nichols ever lets us forget the real endurance of time the Lovings face as they look for a resolution. Negga and Edgerton embody what a successful marriage looks like.

Cons: For all of the excellent performances, set design and cinematography, the film does lack an emotional gut-punch in the middle and at the end. Something similar to the initial conviction and arrest portrayed would have helped engage our emotions better.

Runtime: 2 hours 3 minutes

Points of Interest: Ruth Negga is a child of a mixed marriage. Nichols was able to get the details of the story directly from the Nancy Buirski documentary The Loving Story (2011) and much of the dialogue comes from the documentary which itself featured real-life footage of the Lovings.

This film is incredibly particular in what it shares with the audience. We see how their gaze holds upon each other in each instance, how carefully and comfortably they hold hands and embrace each other, the natural fit of their relationship even against all of the challenges they face in the simple act of loving.

There is one last thing I really want to emphasize here dear readers. And it is understated in the film. That thing is how despite the clearly demonstrated sanctity and privacy of a relationship which both Richard and Mildred want (and should have), they are willing to take that relationship into the public in order to fight for injustice, but whenever possible they request for opportunities to stay in their home and remind us they won’t bother anyone if they are left to their own devices. A tale of true loving.

Tim!

The 5 Love Languages (Gary D. Chapman)

Posted on by Tim Kuefler

Wednesday is typically a day for wisdom here on timotheories, as you know, dear readers.

It’s the day I share ideas from famous artists, motivational pieces of art, give suggestions on things you can do to make your life more fulfilling, and sometimes I dole out my own theories of global wisdom. For example, on one post in particular, I decided to construct my own reading list and then I came up with a catchy theme to describe the different types of books I would draw from to grow and shape my own journey. Like Liu Kang.

liu_kang

I even called it The Reading List. Not like Liu Kang.

Which makes perfect sense to me, even if it is a bit obvious. Like Liu Kang. But then as mentioned I took the post a bit further and came up with a conceptual framework to flesh out the types of books I would be reading going forward.

I called that concept the The 5 L’s of Language, not to be confused with the name of a book called The Five Love Languages, and which is authored by one Gary D. Chapman. Who happens to be this week’s featured author.

Just in case you forgot, this is what The 5 L’s of Language look like –

 

I will read one book a month from the 5 groupings below, slowly expanding the number of books read so that I reach the point of 5 books a month. A book for each group

  1. LIFE – Biographies/Art/Music
  2. LOVE – Classic Fiction/Non-Fiction/Graphic Novels
  3. LEARN – Business/Leadership/Self-Help
  4. LABEL – Philosophy/Sociology/Psychology
  5. LEET– The Internet

If you haven’t figured it out just yet, the topic o’ the day is LEARN. As In you need to learn your own unique primary love language as well as how the other four work. You do this so that you can properly love yourself, a romantic partner, and even manage other relationships better, whether you are single, married, a child, teenager, or even just a man.

Gary D. Chapman, Five Kinds of Love

Gary D. Chapman has authored at least five books related to the concept of five love languages and co-authored two books on the languages of apology and appreciation. He originally came up with the idea of The Five Love Languages after looking into twelve years worth of his own notes on common patterns he witnessed when counselling couples. He asked a very simple question – when someone feels unloved by their spouse, what do they want from them? And thus five categories of answers emerged.

If you can learn to appreciate the difference between words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gift giving, then you’re working towards a rather positive and generous view of love and how to share it.

I bet you’re hoping for more of a definition of each term, so that you can go out and apply these ideas ASAP. Well, okay, but I recommend that you read the book first, and then run a legit profile through Chapman’s website.

With that mentioned here is a quick overview of each language –

  • Words of Affirmation: spoken affection, praise, or appreciation.
  • Acts of Service: actions, rather than words, used to show and receive love.
  • Receiving Gifts: giving gifts that are meaningful.
  • Quality Time: expressing affection with undivided attention.
  • Physical Touch: sex, holding hands, hugs – affection via touch.

As you get comfortable with the languages friends, you’ll learn which of the five is most important to you, and then you begin to implement the philosophy into your own life.

For example, if your primary love language is “quality time” like me, that means you should spend time for yourself on meaningful activities, whether those activities include another party or two is up to you, but if you make art, you’ll like enjoy doing it on your lonesome. Or if physical touch is important to you, maybe you spend time in dance classes, making theatre with friends or regularly hugging your friends and family. But that’s just a theory.

Tim!